Guyland

You are currently reading from the Trials and Tribulations of a Crazy Asian Series

I remember wondering if I should have bent my rule about one night stands…then maybe there would be an excuse for not calling.  I thought we really connected though.  I guess that’s what we always tell ourselves in these situations though.

I didn’t see Devin around campus and I still never figured out how he had tracked me down.  I repackaged my life a few weeks after our initial encounter and made my way back to the Long Island, normalcy, and boredom.

***

 Now, for those of you who don’t know, Long Island is part of New York.  If New York had a tumor – it would be Long Island.  However, I’m not one of those New Yorkers who’s obsessed with being from New York – I don’t worship the Yankees, I don’t talk with a fake “Brooklyn” accent in the presence of non-New Yorkers and I don’t pronounce “coffee” like “cawfee”.  This isn’t because I’m not a New Yorker…it’s because I’m from Long Island.

First of all, Long Island is a real island – meaning it’s surrounded by water on all sides.  The city is about $12.50 away depending on what kind of mood Bloomberg is in.  There are twelve Dunkin Donuts within a five-mile radius of my house.  Malls, nail salons and take-out are the predominant buildings in any given area.  There is nothing to do, nothing to see, and nowhere to go except for Montauk…and back.

***

 It was a Wednesday and Samantha and I had decided to drive to Montauk.  Sam was one of my friends from high school who I still managed to keep in touch with.  We were just about to get onto the highway when our escapade hit a bit of a road block.

“Hey, do you mind if we stop at Taco Bell?”
“No, why?”  I asked.
“Well, Mike wants Taco Bell…” she said, cringing, anticipating my response.
“Well, since Mike isn’t coming with us then I don’t see why we have to go to Taco Bell…”
“I know, but he’s at work and has a craving.” she sighed.
“Yeah…for heart disease!”
“Come on Lauren, we’ll be five minutes – I promise.  Plus it’s on the way.”
“Ugh fiiiiine.”

***

“Baby!” Sam squealed as she launched her body over the Geek Squad desk and into Mike’s arms.
“Hey,” he panted, “did you get extra sauce?”
“Like you need it…” I scoffed.
“Oh, Lauren, I didn’t see you there.” he said, sizing me up, “You see, us normal people need food to live.  When was the last time you ate something…and kept it down?” he smirked.
“Fuck you asshole.” I said, coming closer to him.
“Oh you wish you could fuck my asshole…”
“Guys!  Shut up!” Sam cried, hitting Mike on the shoulder.  “I told you not to say anything to her.”
“Whatever,” I said, rolling my eyes, “I’m going to look at the DVDs.  Come find me when you’re done.”  I eat plenty, I thought,it’s not my fault I don’t ingest everything in plain sight.

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