I don’t know how it happened. I don’t know why it happened. And I don’t know when it started to happen. All I know is that it’s becoming an epidemic and someone needs to squash this shit before something terrible happens.
It always starts the same way. The hostess comes up to you and tells you she sat you but the people seem really cool. You look over to see four women who look like they might understand your romantic past and enjoy some jokes about how men suck. You thank the hostess and make your way over to the table.
As you mentally run through your greet, you notice a pink Sex and the City iPhone case and you think to yourself, “Yes! Another mindless Carrie Bradshaw drone. Four cosmos is like $28 – this is going to be a sweet check!”
“Hey ladies,” you start with a smile, “how are we doing tonight?”
“Oh my god,” Girl #1 moans, “we are like soooo hungry.”
“I hear that,” I say, rubbing my tummy, “how about some mozzarella sticks?”
“Noooo,” Girl #2 says in a manner that rapists would claim actually means the opposite, “we’re on a diet.”
“Oh come on,” I say, “you ladies don’t need to be on a diet!”
They all laugh. I’ve already won them over. This is going to be a piece of cake.
“Haha,” Girl #3 giggles, “You’re sweet!”
“All right,” I continue, “why don’t you guys think it over? In the mean time, can I get you something to drink.”
I see Girl #4 eyeing the drink menu with Girl #2…come on cosmo…or sangria – whatever it doesn’t matter.
Girl #3 speaks first and says, “Umm, you know what – I’ll just take a water for now.”
Girl #4 and Girl #2 shut the drink menu – GAME FUCKING OVER. They act like it’s the best idea since Plan B.
“Yeah,” they all agree, “we’ll just take water for now.”
“Four waters coming up.” I say, slamming my book shut preparing myself for all four of them to split a fucking salad with extra dressing on the side.
As I go to walk away, Girl #3 drops the bomb. I knew this was coming. This is how it always starts and all I want to do is ask God why…
“Actually,” Girl #3 says, “can I get some lemon with that?”
Just once, I want to say NO…YOU FUCKING CAN’T.
Water with lemon – the arch nemesis of the server…the Achilles heel of the tip…the ruiner of all that is good in this fucking world. At least a diet coke sticks on $8 – sugar-free iced tea is even a better choice. Water with lemon…fucking a man.
I would love to meet the individual who started this phenomenon. You know what? No, that’s wrong…an individual didn’t start this shit. It had to have been a girl. It’s always a god damn girl.
Some fucking skinny ass model nowhere near her caloric intake for the day sat down with some Wall Street stock broker trying to look all fancy, stuck a lemon in her water and the woman at the next table said, “Hey…I’ll take one of those too.”
Fuck that bitch. Fuck all those bitches asking for fucking lemons with their water. And it’s never just one slice of lemon – no. It’s always “extra” lemon. Honestly, how much fucking lemon do you need? You are aware we have lemonade, right?
That’s the next evolution in this insane phenomenon, though. I had a woman sit down, ask me for a bunch of lemons and proceed to use sugar packets to make her own lemonade. What the fuck man? This isn’t a street fair? You can’t just pitch a tent and start squeezing lemons. This is a place of business man!!!
And more than that, am I the only person who just doesn’t get it? Does it really make that much of a difference if that little piece of sour fruit isn’t floating in your glass? Please, someone tell me. SOMEONE END THE MADNESS!
LEMON DOES NOT MAKE YOU LOOK FANCY
LEMON DOES NOT MAKE YOU LOOK COOL
LEMON DOES NOT ENHANCE YOUR WATER
LEMON DOES NOT COMPENSATE FOR THE FACT THAT YOU ARE TOO CHEAP TO ORDER A BEVERAGE…
LEMON MAKES YOU AN ASSHOLE.
And I hate the fake apology…that innocent smile with the fake I’m so sorry for the inconvenience bull shit. You’re not fucking sorry. Listen, we’re both over eighteen and have been around the block a few times…we don’t have to play these games. Because at the end of the night, you’re just going to fuck me anyway.
Fuck you lemons. You ruined my life.