Coupon Code of Conduct

It’s amazing to me that this has to be a point of discussion.  But if it’s one thing that retail has taught me, it’s that people will never cease to amaze you.

Other than stock issues, the two other major issues that people will give you crap about are returns (we’re going to save that one for a rainy day) and coupons.  Fucking coupons.

Listen, I get it – we’re in a recession and everyone is on a budget.  But the fact of the matter is that the less this company makes the less my raise is going to be and the more shit I am going to have to take from management.  So, let’s go over a few things…

  1. If it’s May 2nd and your coupon is good till May 1st – you’re shit out of luck.  You get the same excuse all the time, “Oh come on, it’s just one day.”.  I don’t give a shit.  You’re fucking late dude.  I don’t care that your kid was sick and you couldn’t get to the store.  It doesn’t matter to me that you worked a long day and just felt like sitting down with a Lean Cuisine instead of picking up some tank tops.  Not my issue.  The date is the date.  If I handed you milk dated for May 1st and it was May 2nd…yeah…that’s what I thought.
  2. Yeah…it says it right there.  Companies are great at spelling out what you can’t do.  You cannot use coupons together or combine them with any other offer.  It does say that it is limited to one item.  It does say it is not redeemable for cash.  The only thing a coupon doesn’t say is shit you should already know.  Come on people, you want to argue a technicality to save $1.50?  I don’t need to get into an hour long discussion about how the coupon doesn’t define “offers” or “discounts” and that a coupon is a coupon and not a discount.  Fucking blow me.
  3. It’s not your money.  So, what you’re saying to me is that because I am not the corporation profiting from this sale I should assist you in stealing?  Yeah, stealing – that’s what it is when you take something or give discounts out that you’re not supposed to.  And, in most cases, you can get fired for that.  Seriously, this job might pay shit but it pays more than what you’re going to pay me if I lose it.  Next.
  4. Oh come on, can’t you just do it in the computer?  I’ll admit that the computer is an amazing invention.  It can do things I’m sure the original inventors never thought it would.  But the fact is there are certain things mere humans can’t override.  If I’m telling you the system won’t do it…then it won’t do it.  Everything I do and say is in an effort to get you out of my face as soon as humanly possible.  So, if giving you the $14.95 shirt for $1 less is going to get you out of my general vicinity I am going to make it happen.
  5. No…they didn’t do it for you last time.  This is something I will never understand.  You know you’re lying.  I know you’re lying.  Dude, what the fuck?

And while all this shit was annoying, it was infinitely more annoying when your manager would walk over, swipe a card or enter a code and make you look like a fucking idiot in front of that cheap ass mother fucker.  It’s like “Haven’t you seen Band of Brothers?“…where is the loyalty?  What about fucking solidarity?

I know it’s all about customer relations and making the sale but come on…it was always the worst people that got away with it too.  They would stand there with that smug look on their fucking faces and once the manager walked away would ask you for gift receipts.  Fucking assholes.

I don’t know why coupons always bothered me so much – perhaps it was a metaphor for the only thing I could control in a world gone crazy.  Or maybe it was just my own personal form of terrorism on the capitalist collective…

Or maybe I just hate coupons…


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