Emily

Everyone has their own customs when it comes to heartache.  I, myself, follow my own break-up routine, complete with its own CD (remember those?) and this time was no different.

My mother, bless her heart, said to me, “I assume you’re going to shower – I’ve left your things in the bathroom upstairs.” after I had finished my Eggo.

“Thanks, Mom.”  I said, turning to leave the kitchen.

“And Lauren,” I heard her call as I made my way up the stairs, “Emily said she can fit you in first thing tomorrow morning so don’t go too crazy!”

***

I entered the bathroom and sighed, “Oh, Mother, you know me too well.” as I gazed upon the two bottles of Merlot, a Milky Way, my break-up CD and a pair of scissors.

I popped the CD into my Sharper Image in-shower CD player, ran the water, unwrapped the Milky Way, popped the cork, tossed my clothes and hopped in.

I don’t know why, but there’s something comforting about guzzling down fermented grape juice while simultaneously swallowing caramel whilst letting hot water rush over you listening to Jay Gordon scream about how he hates whoever he hates.

I had set the player to repeat, so when my father flushed the toilet and the water turned scalding hot I had no idea how much time had passed.  I dried off and stared into the mirror…

The “superficial wounds” were all but gone – making me wonder if they were ever there in the first place.  My thighs were a light pink, the tallies still visible and my back…well, it still looked like I had gotten into a cat fight.

My first shower in three months was the worst of my life – because nothing…no amount of soap or body wash, was ever going to make me feel clean.  All I saw before me was a god damn mess and I wanted it gone.

I looked at the scissors carefully – I knew what I wanted to do…what I had to do.  I stroked my wrist all the way up to my neck before…

***

“Lauren, Lauren, Lauren.” Emily said, shaking her head.  “Now tell me why you take it upon yaself to cut ya hair and then come to me aftah when you can just come to me first?  You tell me that.”

“I don’t know.”  I said as she began to comb through my hair, “I guess I like knowing I can still be fixed even after I’ve destroyed everything.”

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