I guess executives would refer to it as “good business”, maybe some of them would say “marketing”. I know what baristas say, though, “The Starbucks gold card is a pain in my fucking ass.”
Now, for those of you who don’t know – the Starbucks gold card is a rewards card. The way it works is that you load a regular gift card, register online, and once you purchase (i believe) 30 drinks you get promoted to “gold”. Once at gold, you get a special card with your name on it and every fifteen drinks you get one free (they mail you a coupon). You are also eligible for other perks like free syrup and such. I will say, I have one…and it’s great…because I am now a Starbucks customer.
Once the Gold Card went live, all baristas were given training about it – how to register, what constitutes as a purchase for free drinks, what they get for free, etc. I don’t know about your Starbucks but at mine we had to take a test. As you all know, I’m Asian…I fucking aced that shit.
So, let’s review what I learned;
- Although extra shots and extra syrup can sometimes be the same price, you cannot get free shots with the gold card. I don’t care who “did it for you last time”. It doesn’t matter to me that you are here everyday. You. Are. Not. Special. You do not deserve free shit especially when you slam your Mercedes keys on the counter when you pay and don’t throw some change in the jar.
- The Gold Card does not entitle you to be a cheap bastard. Everytime you buy a drink at Starbucks, you get a star. When you get 15 stars, you get your free drink. For some time, people thought that it had to be a custom-made beverage – this was a glorious time in our history. Then, some worthless piece of shit began telling people that it wasn’t a custom-made beverage…it was ANY PURCHASE. And so, the good times faded as we entered the dark ages.
It will always start the same, they give you a list of drinks, you ring them up and give them a total and then they giggle and say, “Oh can you ring them up, separately? I need to make sure I get my points.” Fuck you. Seriously, fuck you. And I’m allowed to say that because of one very important fact: there are other options available. Seriously, if you’re that strapped for cash then you can buy coffee at Dunkin Donuts but if you’re walking into my coffee house of pretentiousness you better be prepared to drop some bills.
- I have no control over the Gold Card. One of the many drawbacks to the Gold Card is how accessible it is. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had an iPhone shoved in my face by some woman screaming, “See, I have 15 stars! Give me my free dink.” blow me. How about that? Wait for your coupon in the mail and don’t give me crap because you haven’t gotten it…I don’t care.
Seriously people, it’s hard enough for me to look at your fucking face without having to save it money too. Now, that’ll be $6.23 please…