I closed my eyes, tilted my head back and took a deep breath, “It’s okay guys, really. I’m not ready to meet anyone anyway.”
They told me some story about how he got caught up at work and something with his car could have been wrong too – I don’t remember exactly. All I can remember is wanting to get the fuck out of there as soon as humanly possible.
I went to hand the pager to Chelsea and said, “Here, you guys stay I’m going to go.”
“No, no!” Chelsea stammered, “We are not going to let him ruin your night.”
“Listen guys, I’m just really tired and I don’t want to be here…”
“Lauren I feel terrible.” Dave said, “At least let us buy you dinner?”
“Okay fine.” I said…come on, free food dude.
We were entering the Twenty-Minute Tirade of the Wait-Time Continuum. Twenty minutes are usually how long is takes for the weakest person in your party to break and start shouting…our weakest link, of course, was Chelsea.
“I don’t understand…what the FUCK (there’s that enunciation she’s known for) is going on up there?!”
“Chelsea, calm down.” Dave said, rubbing her shoulder.
“Seriously man, it’s Saturday night. Give the girl a break.”
“No, this is ridiculous.”
“You’re ridiculous.” I said, laughing with Dave.
Then, something in Chelsea’s brain clicked and she went rogue. It’s like when you cross from Long Island into Queens…you can feel something shift in the universe. She spotted a table in the bar that was leaving, leapt over the high tops and slid her perfectly worked out ass into the booth. I didn’t have the energy to fight her as she motioned frantically for us to follow.
On my way home, I was re-thinking my decision not to split dessert and was leaning towards running to Friendly’s for a mint chip sundae when I began to hear this very loud vibration. At first I thought it was my car, but then I figured, if it were my car it would be much louder and I would probably feel something.
Then, I fished my Blackberry out of my pocket because, as you know, that vibrate setting is fucking loud. I glanced really quickly…nothing.
Then, out of nowhere…a lady…with a British accent. “Please synthesize with home portal. You are out of range to receive the signal. Device requires activation. Please return to power source.”
What the fuck? I thought. Who is that?
The woman began speaking faster and faster and now there were beeping noises peppered between each sentence. I have to admit, I was starting to become very panicked. I pulled over and turned my bag upside down when I saw it…the fucking Chili’s pager. I must have forgotten to return it to the hostess when Chelsea snagged the booth, I thought.
I briefly considered going back to return the pager, but I could hear that sundae calling my name ever so softly. And so…I made the worst decision ever…