Disappearing Act

My mother opened to door, put on the kettle and told me to take a seat at the kitchen table.

“Look, mom, ” I sighed, “I’m really tired.  I just want to take a shower and go to bed.  Can it wait till tomorrow?”
She slammed her fist on the counter and screamed, “No Lauren!  It cannot wait till tomorrow!”

She walked around the table, took her hands in mine and said, “This isn’t you.  Who are you right now?”
“I’m me.” I laughed, for lack of a better reaction.  “I don’t know what you want from me.”
“What I want is my daughter back because this…” she said gesturing to me, “this is not my daughter.”
“Well mom,” I sighed, “I don’t know what to tell you.”
“Tell me what kind of girl goes around stealing?” she cried.
“Stealing?!” I scoffed, “I never…”
“That boy belongs to someone, Lauren.  You don’t think it’s stealing when you’re lying in his bed at night?”
“Oh come on mom…” I laughed.  “You’re being ridiculous.”
“And you’re being a stranger!  Who are you?  This isn’t the girl I raised.  This isn’t my daughter!”

She got up, sat beside me and put her hand in between my breasts, “I feel your heart beat.  I know you’re in there.  I love you Lauren…I miss you and can’t wait for you to come home.”

She kissed me on the forehead, made her tea and went upstairs without another word.

At first I thought it was funny because since Jesse and I had started sneaking around I hadn’t been home much.  But feeling her hand on my heart I saw the big picture.  I think you know you’re in trouble when your own mother can’t recognize you.

The truth is I didn’t know who I was anymore…I didn’t know where Lauren went.  Lauren Sharkey used to be a force to be reckoned with – locked and loaded with insults so fierce they could even put a wrench in Tucker Max’s game and lines so convincing they could put a gun in Ghandi’s hand.

Yet when I looked in the mirror she wasn’t there.  Instead there was this weak, irresponsible girl who couldn’t stop giving a shit about people who didn’t give a shit about her.  That girl had the potential to be nothing more than another piece of shit on an already compounding pile of human garbage.  She was no one important…no one worthwhile.

And she was about to disappear…

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