I Dated an Actor – Part IX

“UGH!” the girl moaned, “Can you please talk to your girlfriend later?!” she continued as she began to drag him away.

I felt Katie come up behind me and said, “Thanks for your help.” as we watched DJ Malone stop to look at the New Releases table.

“What a cunt!” she said as Madison continued to whine about her insufferable hunger.

They had just made it out the door when it dawned on me – that young, cunty voice sounded awfully familiar…


Our game of cat and mouse progressed for several weeks.  DJ Malone came to haunt the bookcases of my Barnes and Noble and I was coming up with new and inventive ways to deem myself unable to go on dates.  Activities included pottery classes, Brazilian hair braiding and Korean dance interpretation.

It wasn’t until June that our relationship finally came to a halt…or so I thought.

“Hey Lauren,” DJ sighed deeply as I restocked the “Summer Reading List” table, “we need to talk.”
“Oh?” I asked.  You see, while DJ was a mediocre actor at best, I found that being in this “relationship” was actually making me a better performer.  “What is it darling?”
“God this is so difficult.” he cried, wrapping his arms around me.

DJ stroked my hair lightly as I stood there with my hands at my sides.  He caressed my cheek and made me face him, “Lauren, I can’t see you anymore.”
“What?!” I cried, pretending to be distressed, “Say it isn’t so!”
“God damn it Lauren!” he screamed, “I can’t go on like this anymore.  I need love – real love.  I need someone who is going to be there when I fall and I just…I have no more to give.”
“Well,” I said, looking away to prevent myself from cracking up in his face, “if that’s what you need to do…”
“Your walls, Lauren – you keep them so high which is why your men fall so short.”
“I loved you.” he whimpered, kissing me on the cheek and finally walking away.

But, as was the DJ Malone custom…he turned around and came back for more…


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