You are currently reading from The Biggest Lie I’ve Ever Heard Series.
“Um, ma’am,” I mumbled, mustering all the human strength possible to suppress my laughter, “the ‘bonus’ refers to additional coupons…”
“I know that!” she squaked, defensively, “Additional meaning I can add them onto the purchase. Additional equals add. What do you think I’m stupid?!”
Lord, give me strength, I thought.
“No, ma’am, I don’t think you’re stupid. What I’m trying to say is that the coupons marked ‘bonus’ are extra coupons that can be used at another time. They are provided as a sort of ‘extra’ to the 20% one you already have. But, as I’ve already explained to you, there is only one coupon per transaction…”
“So just do separate transactions! What the hell is the god damn problem?! Do you not want my business?”
“Ma’am, it’s not that we don’t want your business – it’s just that this store has very strong rules regarding coupons. I’m sorry but I can’t tell you anymore than I’ve already have. So, cash or credit?”
So, let me take the time to remind everyone that this is a $30 transaction and this woman, who has a designer bag and drives a car worth more than my house, is trying to save a little more than $6.
“Listen,” she sighs, attempting to sound sincere, “my husband and I have been going through such hardship – the economy being the way it is it was almost impossible for us to keep our summer house. Have a heart.” and here she added a sniffle for good measure.
Bitch, I wanted to say, you are barking up the wrong tree because I fucking invented this game. But, instead, I too took a deep breath and thought to myself, Let’s dance.
“I totally understand, ma’am.” I lied, summoning fake tears, “This is my third job – once we close here I have to take two buses to a strip club in Huntington and work the Champagne Room so I can pay for my daughter’s Polio medication. My husband is a volunteer for Doctors Without Borders and our daughter was conceived and delivered in an infected area. And if I lose this job then I won’t be able to afford her medications because the men at the club are so cheap that they toss quarters at me. So please, that’ll be $29.32.” I demanded, shutting down my act and putting out my hand. “Cash or credit?”
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