Ugh…seriously, Starbucks?

Just when I thought Starbucks couldn’t get more pretentious, I received the following e-mail:

starbucks card


That’s right, people – as if they weren’t exclusive enough with their talls and grandes, now they have a new level of douche baggery – the GILT card.

Starbucks’ new card is modeled after the American Express Black Card, formally known as the Centurion Card, which is made out of titanium.  The Black Card is only offered to a select clientele – you have to be invited to use this card and spend a MINIMUM of $250,000 a year on it.  In addition to letting everyone you hand that card to know you make more than they do every three years, the card comes with super special privileges and first-class customer service.

The Starbucks card?…not so much.  Firstly, let’s talk about the fact that the card costs $450 but only comes loaded with a $400 balance.  So, essentially the card itself costs $50.  The only other “benefit” than having a card that’s significantly tougher to snap in half is automatically becoming a Gold Rewards member.

Sometime last year (I think?) Starbucks did away with their Black Card membership – the semantics of which I’m not sure.  All I know is that the cards were black and you got free syrups, you had to buy them through the website (I think?) and a bunch of other shit that wasn’t all that great.

Then, they implemented the Gold Program which was a lot easier and more for the common person – you bought a gift card, registered it online and got a “star” (kindergarten much?) for every drink purchased.  Once you reached fifteen, you got a free drink.  Once you reached thirty, you received benefits like getting a free birthday drink…and…and…and that’s it.

Once you got thirty, you achieved Gold status and have to buy thirty drinks each year to obtain that status and the benefits that go along with it (personalized coupons – whatever the hell that means, and I think they also cut down the amount of stars for your free drink to 12).  Oh and you get a fancy, personalized Gold card with your name on it.

So, why is this new stainless steel card necessary.  More than that, though – who the fuck is buying this card?  Seriously, I heard this card sold out just under five seconds and now you can find them on eBay selling for ridiculous prices:

I shitake you not…

I don’t understand – does this card have magical powers that the general public has not been privied to?  Do you no longer need to ask me for extra caramel because the card actually bleeds caramel?  Does this card require the barista to put milk and sugar into your Venti bold because now you’re able to slit their throat with the card if they don’t?

I really don’t get the appeal and I think anyone who has this card is a pretentious douche who probably still orders his drinks using the words “small”, “medium” and “large” and can’t tell the difference between a latte and a cappuccino – it feels empty for a reason you moron!


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