#1 – 1st Grade

You are currently reading from the Top 5 Series.

This week’s Top 5 Category is the Top 5 Most Embarrassing moments of my life.  Now, while there are a great deal more than five follies in my twenty-six years on this planet, these five are the ones that stick out the most and they are in order…sort of.

The first embarrassing moment I’d like to discuss is one that I’m sure many people share (or, at least, I hope they do)…

School is a very unforgiving place – much more so now than it ever has been.  Kids are mean, being different equates certain death…it seems there is no escape from ridicule these days.  The one thing I am grateful for, now more than ever, is the absence of social media when I was growing up.

I was the only Asian person in my mostly Hispanic Catholic elementary school.  The boys would laugh and peel their eyes back with their hands to mock my slanted vision…fucking assholes.  Thinking about it now just fuels my hatred at the fact that they couldn’t come up with anything more original.

However, that sort of mockery was nothing compared to the covert whispers and snickers that came from the white, blonde popular girls in my first grade class with Mrs. Coachie.  Bless her heart, my first grade teacher made every effort to shield me from these elitist Barbies and paired me with the girl who would eventually become my best friend.

Every time I got up to go to the bathroom they would begin laughing and whispering.  When I returned, one would ask me a question and once I answered, the whole class would begin laughing.  Mrs. Coachie would try to put a stop to this restroom oriented mental terrorism, but one teacher against twenty-two first graders doesn’t make for impeccable odds.

One day, the stress of it all was really wearing on me.  While my mother was packing my lunch in the morning, I managed to steal a Coca Cola when she wasn’t looking and tucked it in my pocket.  I opened it during lunch time and well…nature was calling upon our return to the classroom.

Mrs. Coachie had decided to play a movie that day – I want to say it was a rendition of Peter Rabbit but I can’t be sure.  All I remember is staring at my desk, clutching my…area as the Barbies pointed and snickered at the pig tails my mother had tied this morning.

“No,” I said to myself, “I won’t leave and be subjected to their mockery.  I can hold it!”

But the fact of the matter is, nature doesn’t need an answer when she calls…

I felt the warm fluid running along the inside of my tights as tears welled in my eyes.  Mrs. Coachie, upon seeing the puddle collecting at my feet, immediately turned on the lights and attempted to shield me from the ridicule of my classmates.

The leader of the Barbies, Lindsey, was quick though and immediately began a chant, “Chinese Pee Pee!”.  As the other classmates joined in, my eyes honed onto her – perfectly pale skin, blue eyes and blonde hair that always managed to be in a perfect ponytail.  How I loathed that ponytail!  And then, something inside me broke and my first grade year old self thought something to the effect of, “Bitch, you gots to get got.”

I rose from my desk, grabbed her arm and began dragging her across the room.  I can still hear her screams as I planted her, ass first into the pile of my piss and said, “Now your pants can match your yellow tail!” I screamed, wiping my…area and wrapping it around her pony tail.

Mrs. Coachie silenced the class, and Lindsey and I were sent to the nurse’s office to get fresh underpants and a change of clothes.  I’d like to say they never bothered me again, but you know how kids are.  All I know is that up until eighth grade, when we finally parted ways, people had forgotten that I wet myself in the first grade…but the name “Yellow Tail” stuck to Lindsey.


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