Bryan is a nice guy. In fact, other than my brother, he is probably the nicest guy I have ever met. He makes me macaroni and cheese when I have a hangover, opens the door to his car two years after our first date, and he makes me feel as though I am the most normal human being on the planet (which, if you know anything about me, you know is far from the truth). There is no reason for me not to love Bryan. There is no reason for me to think that Bryan would be unfaithful to me. And there is absolutely no reason as to why I should doubt that the love between Bryan and I is real…but there are times when I do.
There are times when I think to myself, “Do I really love Bryan or is he just the first guy to ever be nice to me?” There are times when I look back on things that have happened and wonder if I’ve settled for less than the life I always wanted.
If you had talked to me three years ago and asked me where I would be in ten years, I’d have said, “I don’t know.” I then would have told you about my plans to travel Europe with nothing but a Moleskine and a Frommer’s guidebook. I’d have gone on about how I wanted to get published and travel the States doing book signings while negotiating with HBO for the right to start a series.
But now – the only thing that’s stayed the same is wanting to get published. Now, when I look to the future, I think about whether or not we’re going to be able to get a decent interest rate on a mortgage. I ponder whether or not I should force sports or the arts onto my two sons that I’ve raised with a firm but loving hand. I see wedding invitations and cupcake decorating classes that make all the other moms at school wish my minivan would breakdown.
And maybe it’s growing up – maybe it’s what happens when you’ve met the right one…or maybe it’s the thing that no one wants to say. Maybe it’s settling for a life I never thought I’d want because I am truly and utterly afraid of looking for anything else.