#500

This is going to be my 500th post.  Such a pity that such a momentous occasion is going to be marked by something so…un-monumentous.

I cannot write.

I used to think myself something great, and now I find myself to be something so much less than nothing.  Not even nothing – because nothing is still something.  I feel like something you were about to say – something that was on the tip of your tongue but due to life’s curve balls never actually developed into anything that could be forgotten.  I am that which never comes to fruition.

***

I awoke this morning at 5:30am, tired from the night before but committed to the day’s prescheduled obligations.  I donned my smile and tried to silence the sound of my own heart breaking by surrounding myself with a huge crowd.

***

In the past year, I have gained upwards of twenty pounds.  I know why this is…and yet, at the same time, I have no idea how this happened.

One who knows me would never have described me as a skinny girl…one also would not describe me as a heavy girl.  But now…today…I am a girl who has “let herself go”.

I don’t like this term.

I am what people would call an “emotional eater” – whatever the fuck that means.  I guess it means that when I am sad or stressed out, eating a seven layer cake makes me feel better.  The thing is, seven layer cake tastes like shit.  The best cakes are two layers – they are the ones my mother makes for my family’s birthdays.

She uses Presto cake flour.  Does anyone know why cake batter tastes better than actual cake?

***

I don’t know what it means to let yourself go.  The phrase strikes me as something positive – as though you’ve been holding yourself back and have finally released who you really are.  But when we talk about weight, letting yourself go is never a good thing.

So, I am overweight.  I definitely feel it – I don’t move around as well as I used to and cheese makes me more excited than it should.  This past week I drove a half hour out of my way to eat two servings of fried macaroni and cheese at a diner that I would never normally go to since the service is so terrible.

My waitress was less than satisfactory.

I do not deny my “emotional eater” status.  I think I am just now beginning to understand what that means.  You see, the emotions that I have trouble with are sadness, stress, and disappointment.  However, while all are different, they are the same.

These emotions stem from the fear that I am losing myself – losing my future, losing my voice as a writer, losing all I hold dear.  Without these things, I am nothing.  As more and more of my life suddenly falls to pieces, I begin to disappear off the tip of someone’s tongue.

And so I eat to replace what is lost…I eat so I can remain.  I eat not only because Chinese food is so god damn delicious but also because nothing compliments watching 30 Rock better than a bucket of KFC’s new boneless chicken.

***

This past week I was judged.  I was judged for who I was and not who I am.  I was sneered at for indiscretions I made as a young woman trying to find her way.  I was not given a chance.  I was lied to about why I was left behind.

And while I am trying…really hard…not to be angry, I can’t help it.

I cannot recall the last time I felt such outrage – such betrayal.  Yet I know this is not the last of it.

***

I’ve decided to keep living.  I’ve decided to keep writing.  I’ve decided to keep fighting.

Here’s to 500 more…even if they come later than sooner, they will come.

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