Question:

How many of you have stopped talking to family members due to personal differences?  Do you regret this decision?  Do you with things were different/what would you do differently?

Please answer in the comments below.  Any information would be really helpful.

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5 thoughts on “Question:

  1. I haven’t completely cut off family due to personal differences, but I have definitely limited contact with certain relatives because of that. I don’t feel all that bad about it–the price of admission into my life is not being racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. I mean, it’s saddening, because I wish my family were easier to deal with, but *shrugs* I think I’m pretty resigned to it.

    • My mother is an extremely difficult person to deal with – God knows I love her, but sometimes I feel like I am the only one working towards a relationship. She is one of those people who clings to the past – when we have arguments, she brings up things that happened over a decade ago. Similarly, there are members of her family she hasn’t spoken to in ages.

      We had a difficult time while I was growing up – I admit that I was a difficult teenager. I definitely didn’t make it easy. I kept a journal and would always write how I felt and she can’t seem to understand that those things were written in the moment and are not clear representations about how I feel about her or us.That and I don’t think she has forgiven me for running away to be with Devin when I was 19. I think she forgets that I was a kid back then and really didn’t know any better.

      She and my brother have always gotten along better than she and I have. She often takes my brother’s side in arguments and makes time to sit and talk to him, yet when I ask her to go to the movies or to get our nails done – she has no time for me.

      I keep making this effort to be close with her but I feel like I’m the only one that’s really trying. I know she has a lot going on right now in her own life but I feel like there is no room for me and she’s not willing to make room either.

      • I’ve definitely had relationships like that. After a certain point you just have to be like, “If you can’t meet me halfway, we can’t have a relationship.” And it’s frustrating and saddening because after all the effort you’ve put into it, it sucks to give up. I’m kind of reaching that point with one of my parents, because after I went through all the effort of coming out and trying to include part of the name he gave me in my new legal name (which I haven’t changed to yet, but I’m working on it), he’s not even making the effort to use my preferred name and pronouns. At some point, I’m gonna have had enough and I’m gonna disappear from his life. It’s unfortunate that it has to be that way, but I can see it coming from a mile away. It’s a pity he can’t, even though I’ve explicitly said what I need from him in order to maintain our relationship.

        *hugs* I hope it doesn’t get to that with your mom, though.

  2. My father and I have basically halted all communication, and this has been going on for quite some time. This must be the fourth or fifth year since we really said anything to one another. Sure, every so often we may say a couple of words, but we never speak unless it is basically a dire necessity. My father and I have absolutely nothing in common and if I wasn’t certain he was a blood relative I would suspect we weren’t related at all. My father has always had a problem with alcohol and that has always prevented us from having a very good relationship. On top of this he never really wanted a child, something he used to continuously remind me about whenever he had too much liquor, which was almost every second night when we were living together under the ruse of one big happy family.
    My parents were both quite racist and this came out more when my father was drinking. I on the other hand believe, or would like to believe at least that I am not, and I don’t think my parents appreciate the fact that I cannot relate with them on this issue.
    On one hand, I am unhappy that my father is not what one may stereotypically view a father to be. Sure, he used to buy me gifts and I was spoilt and I bought him lots of presents too on his birthday and father’s day, et al. But he never loved me and I never really loved him as a father either. I do regret this, but on the other hand, this is entirely out of my control. If somebody doesn’t like me, whether they be a family member or not, I know I am not going to be able to change their mind so it is pointless to even try. There is no bridge to mend – in our case it was never there to begin with.
    I realise this may sound really negative, but I personally would rather be sad and alone than surround myself with people I cannot stand, regards of any familial ties.

    • Derek –

      Thank you so much for sharing this story with me. Even though we have never met, I feel as though we have known each other for years. I guess that’s what’s so remarkable about the internet – you can find yourself in the people you meet in cyberspace and create a bond unlike any other.

      I too have dealt with alcoholism in my own way – not being an alcoholic myself but having an aunt who is. It’s so difficult to see someone you love descend further into darkness and become a different person at the end of a bottle. I can’t imagine what it must have been like living with that person day after day.

      My mother also is one to “keep up appearances”. She and I can curse each other out the night before a family get together, and at the party she will be laughing and smiling with me as though nothing happened, only to ignore me on the way home. I question whether or not a bond is possible with her. She is, after all, my mother and I love her as a person, but I feel she clings so much to the past that she is denying us a future.

      I would rather be alone than surrounded by people who are not genuine – but I also question where I’ve gone wrong and if I really am the one to blame.

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