Thanks, Frank Kaiser – you’re a peach

Last night, while perusing through my ever-entertaining Facebook news feed, I came across a post that Andy Rooney had written about women over 40.  As my eyes went from line to line, I believed more and more that there was no way he could have possibly uttered these words.  After all, while the beloved 60 Minutes host is from a different time in the sense that he views women differently, I don’t think he would ever be, well, this much of a douchebag.

It bothered me so much that I decided to do some research and found that it was actually Frank Kaiser who wrote this utterly stupid piece.  My comments can be found in (bold parentheses):

One of the perks of dufferdom (come again?  There really wasn’t a better word you could have used?) is an increased capacity to appreciate people. Friends. Spouses. And, for me, women. All women  (I guess I should be grateful that women are classified as people.). 

When I was 20, I had eyes only for girls my age. Any woman over 30 was ancient, over 40 invisible. Today, at 65, I still appreciate the 20-year-old for her youthful looks, vigor, and (occasional) (20 year olds have youthful looks and vigor because they are young.  If you’re going to mock the lack of innocence, it’s lost way before 20.  That’s just the world we live in – a world where terrorism is a day-to-day threat, where victim shaming and revenge porn still exist and have little legal consequences…a world where that 20 year old will still be asked what she was wearing when she stands to testify against her rapist.  If you’re going to talk about “occasional innocence” – perhaps you should crack open a fucking paper and read about how men are more than not the thieves of young women’s innocence.) sweet innocence. But I equally enjoy women of my own age and beyond, and every age in between. I’ve learned that each has its own special wonders, attractions, magic and beauty. 

As I grow in age, I value older women most of all. Here are just a few of the reasons senior men sing the praises of older women: 

An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, “What are you thinking?” An older woman doesn’t care what you think.  (No, good sir, I think older women – or at least ones that you’ve come in contact with, simply don’t care about what you think.)

An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants, and from whom. (I think one of the benefits of being alive today is that no matter what rage, age, or gender you are, you can take all the time in the world figuring out who you are and what you want from this life.  I’ve chosen not to acknowledge the “what she is” part of that sentence is because people are not “what’s” they’re “who’s”.  I am not a what and I will not be classified as one.  And secondly, I don’t need to get what I want from someone else.  Perhaps that’s why the author of this piece doesn’t care for younger women – because they don’t need him)  By the age of 50, few women are wishy-washy.  (Dude, talk about wishy-washy – you are a walking contradiction!  This whole article is a testament to wishy-washyness!)   About anything. Thank God! 

An older woman looks great wearing bright red lipstick even in glaring sunlight. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.  (Lots of women – young and old – look great wearing bright, red lipstick and dude there are some drag queens that look way hotter than I ever will.) 

And yes, once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart!   (This is a matter of opinion and since everyone is entitled to one, I won’t comment.)

Her libido’s stronger.   (I haven’t had sex with a lot of older women but I think it depends on the woman.)

Her fear of pregnancy gone. (There is a big difference between fear of pregnancy being “gone” and the possibility of pregnancy being physically impossible.  Any women who “fears” pregnancy should seek and utilize birth control – if she can.  However, the fact that you can become pregnant shouldn’t be seen as a negative.  I think what the author is trying to say “fear of fatherhood is gone”.)

Her appreciation of experienced lovemaking is honed and reciprocal.  (Just because you’re experienced doesn’t make you good at it.  There are young women who have already had more experience than you and I will ever have.)

And she’s lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her daughter could never dream of. (Young men, you have something to look forward to!)   (This sentence seriously needed an editor’s attention.  Every woman pleases her sexual partner in their own way.)

Older women are forthright and honest. (I don’t know if you’ve met any young women lately but they’re not really keen on holding back what they have to say.)  They’ll tell you right off that you are a jerk if you’re acting like one.   (There are plenty of young women who will do the same thing.) A young woman will say nothing, caring what you might think of her. An older woman doesn’t give a damn.  (These differences you point out are not specific to age – they are personality differences.  There are women – both young and old – who do and do not care what people think of them.  It is not their age that dictates whether or not this trait is present, but their inner self.  There are older women who have been divorced, who have built lives with people only to find out they were a lie.  As a result, she might feel as though it was something she did and have low self-esteem.  A younger woman may not have suffered these trials and be afforded the luxury of flipping the bird to people who don’t approve of her.  You cannot speak on behalf of all women’s personalities because no two are the same.)

An older, single woman usually has had her fill of “meaningful relationships” and “commitment.” Can’t relate? Can’t commit? She could care less. The last thing she needs in her life is another dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover!   (You know nothing about women…)

Older women are dignified.  (And younger women are not?) They seldom contemplate having a screaming match with you at the opera (I doubt many young men actually think to take young women to the opera.  Similarly, I think if a screaming match is about to happen, if it definitely could not wait, a woman would have the fight in the lobby…not in the middle of the row.)  or in the middle of an expensive restaurant  (People have fights on restaurants all the time – men AND women.). Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. (Really?  Do you know a lot of women who have shot men because they thought they could get away with it?  News flash – there are a lot of men who rape women…and the reason they do it is because they KNOW they can get away with it.)

Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness. They’re generous with praise, often undeserved.   (You’re an ass…I am an excellent cook, take pride in my kitchen, and give praise when praise is warranted.)

An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A young woman with a man often will ignore even her best friend because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women.  (This is horse shit – it’s men who don’t want to meet a woman’s friends.  More often than not, young men want little or nothing to do with young women outside the bedroom.  Once you mention dinner or going out with a bunch of your work friends, they’re already in the car, gunning it in the opposite direction.) The older woman couldn’t care less. 

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. They always just know. (Really?  REALLY?!)

Yes, we geezers praise older women for a multitude of reasons. These are but a few. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 70 there’s a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. 

Ladies, I apologize for us. That men are genetically inferior is no secret. Count your blessings that we die off at a far younger age, leaving you the best part of your lives to enjoy and appreciate the exquisite woman you’ve become. Without the distraction of some demanding old fart clinging and whining his way into your serenity.  (These last two paragraphs aren’t worth commenting on.)

If you would like to contact Frank regarding his doughe baggery, please feel free to click here.

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