It’s About to Get Real

I’ve been in college for the better part of a decade.  After graduating high school I went to a small college in Pennsylvania and dropped at halfway through my second year.  When I came home, I worked three jobs to put myself through community college and finally graduated in 2009.  I worked more and more hours and finally was able to apply to state university.

When I think about my first college experience, I can’t help but shake my head and think about what could have been.  The reason I dropped out was because I got involved with a guy named Devin.  When I look back, I can pinpoint Devin’s abusive behavior and wonder how I couldn’t tell things were going to get progressively worse.  I left my family, my friends, my education behind – only to be left with a bunch of scars and recurring nightmares.

Community college is where I saw the value of education.  So many of my classmates were simply there, killing time, whereas I was trying to get my life back.  I knew I wanted to go to SUNY Stony Brook and I knew I needed to bring up my GPA to get there.  After two years, I had a 4.0.

My hands were shaking my first day at Stony Brook…and here I am, the night before my last first day of school…and I am freaking the fuck out.

I’m not freaking out because the job market is shit.  I’m not freaking out because every grade of every class counts.  I’m not freaking out because there are no do-overs.  I’m freaking out because what if, after all of this, I’m still not who I’m supposed to be?  What if I get out there, and I’m still that same girl, trying to pull it together?  What if I’ve learned nothing.

I guess we’ll see what tomorrow brings.

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