FAAAQ

FREQUENTLY ASKED ADOPTED/ASIAN QUESTIONS

Being Asian is difficult for various reasons.  Being an adopted Asian is even more complicated.  And ever so much more difficult than being an adopted Asian is being a female, adopted Asian.

So, let’s start with the most basic of questions:

So, you’re Chinese, right?  Of course…China – the only Asian country to ever exist on God’s blessed Earth.  I couldn’t possibly be from Taiwan or Korea…no, no.  China is where everything is made anyway so why would Asians come from anywhere else?  Get a map, fool.

Oh, you’re Asian…you must be good at math.  Surprisingly, not all Asian people are born with calculators for brains.  Although most Asians are math wizzes, there is a small population that isn’t (myself included).

Can you tell the difference between other Asians?  Yes, it is a well-known fact that Asian people can tell the difference between other fellow Asians.  All Asians are also aware of the Asian caste system with the Chinese and Japanese duking it out for first place, North Koreans at a close third followed by the South Koreans.  Then comes the Taiwanese and Cantonese and other miscellaneous groups leaving, of course, the Filipinos at the bottom of the Asian totem pole.  Hot as they may be, they’re still the runt of the litter.

Can you see?  Yeah bro, we can see.  Despite how seemingly dumb this question might seem, it has perplexed me for many years.  Sure, I think I can see.  I feel that my eyes view the entire scope of what eyes of other races view but I always ask myself what if?  I mean, think about it – what if there is a whole other portion of the spectrum that Asians are not seeing?  How would we ever know?  And what aren’t we seeing?
*I am aware that this would explain why we are such terrible drivers yet it begs the question – how is it possible we make such intricate nail designs and custom needlework so flawlessly?*

 While these are the basic questions most Asians face, there are some questions that are specific to gender:

Male:

Do you know karate?  I actually don’t know the answer to this one but I assume that most Asian males have a suitable amount of knowledge regarding self-defense.  Whether or not that knowledge is martial arts based I cannot say.

Female:

The questions most Asian women suffer through aren’t so much questions as they are terrible pick-up lines:

  1. Can I get a happy ending?  Oh you…you are so clever.  That has to be the first time anyone has ever asked me that.  Even if I did give happy endings, you would never be able to afford it…asshole.
  2. Me love you long time.  As great of a movie as Full Metal Jacket is, I don’t think the Asian women of the world will ever be able to forgive Stanley Kubrik.
  3. Hey baby, I’ve got the yellow fever.  That is extremely unfortunate and you should probably seek medical care as soon as possible.

Now, let’s move onto some of the more popular Adopted Asian Questions…

  1. So, like, do you ever think about your real parents?  (Sarcastic tone)  Yes, a frequent thought it my mind are the people who abandoned me…awesome.
  2. Do you like, want to find your real parents?  I don’t know a) what makes people think they have the right to ask this question and b) what people mean by the word “real”.  I think words like “real” and “natural” take on totally different meanings.  The person who has bandaged all my skinned knees, gone to all my dance recitals and taken a shit ton of pictures at my graduation is my “real” parent…you have any other dumb questions you want to fucking ask?
  3. So, you can totally hook up with your brother/sister, right?  Dude…fucking gross.  Eww.

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